"It wasn't until this March that i can again find pleasure and joy in a bath, or a shower. Really, if you want someone you hate/envy to die soon, just hurry them up throughout their lives, at least for the most crucial years when they're very young."
And it wasn't until now that i find 140 character limit is not for me right this moment, when i finally and truly want to say something, to this world.
If it were not for the break i took last year from the normal day job, if it were not for the seemingly impossible coincidence that had stopped me from the dream path, i'd probably never have the chance to learn how all these habitual trivia influence me into the daily dose of suffering.
And also get to learn the pain i constantly created to destruct and disfunction this body.
Hew it was never easy.
i remember i used to love to go to the shower every evening, because it was the very few moment i could be alone and be close to myself. i'd stare at the mirror for a long time, imagined being any lovable character of beauty and importance, and was being loved and respected, or even envied i guess.
That could be my childhood mental spa, without the form of bitter prep talk spit from any adult figure. How i miss the lively little girl full of imagination and good wills toward the world. How horrible it is for me to reprocess the way she became stiff and numb like i am now.
It was my father, who passes the whole package and load of shame and guilt onto me and my sisters, by the all time rigidness and the occasional bombs of anger and anxiety. (TBC)
